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Talking with your kids about relationships and sexual health goes beyond a simple “birds and bees” conversation. The information you share should be medically accurate, nonjudgmental and appropriate for their age.
These topics include consent, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), contraception, and developing healthy attitudes about personal development and sexuality. Your conversation should also include information about sexual and gender identity and expression.
According to a recent Northwestern Medicine comparative analysis of national survey results, about 25% of U.S. students in grades 9 through 12 reported their sexual identity as nonheterosexual. A 2022 Williams Institute study reports that among American youth ages 13 to 17, 1.4% — about 300,000 — identify as transgender. They are all part of the community known as LGBTQ+, an abbreviation that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer or questioning.
Why inclusivity and acceptance matters
While many LGBTQ+ youth report they are happy, the group as a whole is more likely than their cisgender and heterosexual peers to be bullied or homeless. They are also at greater risk for attempting suicide, alcohol abuse and participating in risky sexual behaviors.
This is why it is important you understand that the way you respond to your LGBTQ+ children can have a tremendous impact on your kids’ mental and physical health. Your support plays a crucial role in your child’s ability to cope with challenges and thrive.
Dr. Andrew Brown, a board-certified family medicine doctor affiliated with Sharp Community Medical Group, knows that talking to your children about LGBTQ+ issues can be uncomfortable for some parents. “The best thing to do is to create a home environment that is inclusive and nondiscriminatory through using gender-inclusive language and avoiding terminology and behaviors that promote a two-gender, heteronormative world,” he says.
Answers to your top questions
According to Dr. Brown, keeping an open mind as a parent can go a long way. Here, he answers some of parents’ top questions about how to welcome new information without judgment; foster an inclusive, nondiscriminatory home; and hold these very important conversations:
When should you start talking to kids about sexual and gender diversity and acceptance?
Have the conversation if your child brings up the topic or if something is witnessed that brings it up. This can include your child coming home from preschool talking about seeing another child playing with a toy that is incongruent with “gender norms,” witnessing a same-sex couple walking down the street holding hands, or the portrayal of LGBTQ+ characters on television.
What do you recommend parents do — and do not — say to their children when discussing gender fluidity or differences?
Use gender-inclusive language and avoid terminology that reinforces a two-gender world, such as “opposite sex,” which implies there are only two possible genders. Do not tell your child that they cannot or should not like a specific color, toy, activity or article of clothing — or anything else, for that matter — just because they are a “boy” or “girl”. Let your kids choose clothes and costumes without influence when it comes to gender.
How can parents compassionately talk to a child who may be expressing a nonconforming gender or sexual identity?
The best way is to simply create an open and accepting environment, allowing your child to feel like they can bring up any feelings they may be having without fear of negative reactions.
If you find yourself wondering if your child might identify as LGBTQ+, but they are not opening up to you, it is best to let your child be the one to broach the subject. Some ways you can help facilitate this include unwaveringly demonstrating an open and welcoming attitude and displaying LGBTQ+-supporting reactions when LGBTQ+ people or situations are portrayed in the media or when encountering LGBTQ+ people. Simply be open, caring, compassionate and inclusive in your everyday life. Your child will open up when they are ready and feel safe in doing so.
How can we talk to all children about being allies to the LGBTQ+ community?
This is another lead-by-example kind of thing. However, if your child comes home from school and talks about another member of their class expressing tendencies toward being LGBTQ+, be sure to encourage your child to be a friend to their classmate.
Where can parents turn if they have questions about their child’s gender or sexual identity, or to help their children better understand themselves and find support?
The best resources are LGBTQ+ community centers and community groups, such as PFLAG . There, you can find support groups for families going through similar situations. And, as always, your family doctor is a great resource.
Learn more from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Human Rights Campaign (HRC) about understanding and responding to the needs of LGBTQ+ adolescents.
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